Wednesday, August 31, 2005

An Irish Time Had By All

I went to Victoria yesterday to visit my sister. Well I had made a plan with an old friend to go to Victoria at the same time that he planned on going. This way we could both stay at Kyli and Joe's apartment and get wasted all together. We mastered a plan and it actually worked out. I love it when plans that took good thought to think of, work.

I had two days off of work and I didn't want to waste them. I bought a 1.5 Litre of my favourite Blush Wine and the night began as soon as the cork was unscrewed. Oh and what a fine night it was. We walked or let's say, stumbled to the new pub, Irish Times. The times were Irish and so were we. Well at least Kyli and I are..hehe. We drank cider until our stomachs told us to stop. I don't know how we started on the cider. Kyli just assured me that this drink was very tastey, kind of like a sparkling white wine. Wine, is the key word there. I was sold instantly.

The band was energetic and full of spirit. The bass, the guitar and the mandalin played for a couple of hours, and we danced... and clapped and cheered to our leisure. I really enjoy a good night out like that. Sitting around a table with entertainment such as music to get involved with, or the option of sitting there talking as the music played on...or getting up and dancing our little hearts out to the lyrics of old songs, and the melodies of the instruments. As we sat out on the patio as the smoker's puffed, we were approached by two bums. The first asked for money and we both smiled shaking our heads no. The second had a beautiful armful of roses. He asked for any donation, and we again shook our heads no. He must have sensed my love for the beautiful flower and said that I could have one on the house. Hehe. I returned to our table telling the boys that I got a rose from a bum. When does a bum ever give anyone anything for free? Really? I think that I had a reason to be so excited. These things don't happen everyday.

As the band began to wrap up the evening, we began to realise that home was the next stop. We returned to the apartment and I changed into Joe's t-shirt. Which I am proud to say I stained with rum and coke, pink poison (my blush wine) and pizza. Hehe. Eric and I continued to drink and eat...and spill. There was a lot of laughter shared and a friendship was renewed. I was pleased with the outcome of the evening and quite pleased with my one night out in Vic.

Fun times at Irish Times.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

You're Running Through My Thoughts Today

Ahh, yes I remember you. You are the man that raised me from a wee one and treated all of us kiddies like your very own. You loved us and took care of all of us without any question. I haven't forgotten about you, I just avoid the idea of your absense. Lieing to myself...maybe a little. I wish you were here everyday, for mom. She gets so sad for you and cries more than I'd like to admit. It's normal I know. Even though you're not're here. With all that's going on these days, I've become so understanding. I reason better and I have become more patient. Okay, not more patient with mom and I know I have to work on that. But with other things I have become ... more layed back. I feel like you influence me more now that you're gone. It's like when you passed, a lot of your good went into me and I'm sure all of us. But I can't speak for everyone else.

We had a good bond didn't we? I just never noticed it again, until you left. We had something going on...a great understanding without words, without ever mentioning it. Not once did we speak of how neat our connection was. Others may have. When you went on your blind date with mom and I walked up to you and wanted up. Which has been brought to my attention and yours a few million times that I was a very shy little girl and it took my own grannie days before I'd let her hold me. So interesting. It's like I knew you were the one for my mommy. I knew you were the real thing. You made her so happy. No one could love you more than mom. The thing that sucks now is that no one will ever love her as much as you did. I want her to have someone one day. It's much too soon now. But I don't want her to be alone. I know you don't either.

I miss you. I don't want to forget you but sometimes I do. I want to pretend like you never happened just so that I don't have to deal with the loss. I was never close to you and I hate that. I don't really know why. Ahh, maybe it was the whole connection thing again. Maybe my senses told me to stay away from you because you weren't going to be here for very long. Stupid senses. I wish I had known, but that's silly to wish for that. Why would I wish to know how many years we had you for. It would've really messed with .... everything. Nope, things happened for a reason. I hate that you're gone. But I do have to say, I love where we live now.

You'd love it here Rudi. You were so there that day when mom was standing in the ocean crying huh. I know you were there. That's why she was so upset because she knew you were there too. She has a hard time talking about that kind of stuff. She prefers to talk about you when you were sick or when you were just.... you, living. I like to think of you having lots of fun and feeling badly for us because we're missing out on all of your fun. I'd like to think that what beauties we see here are nothing compared to what you experience. I'd like to think that this isn't as good as it's going to get and that there are glorious, breath taking, refreshing journies ahead for all of us.

The unknown is very scary. But that's the beauty of life. Not knowing what's going to happen next. Wondering. Wondering is such an interesting concept. I wonder when I'll see you, if I'll see you... I wonder where you are and I wonder if you're sitting on the couch behind me right now and I just can't see you. Wonder, wonder, wonder. I live life to wonder and to find out...

Wish you were here, and then again... I'm happy for you because I know that you're doing well where you are. It's that whole connection thing again. I will think of you always as my dad. My REAL dad as I used to call him. You're my real dad and you always have been. You've been there and I know you're still here. I can feel your presence. Thanks for helping me out these last few days. This last month...

I know you're there and I love you...


Saturday, August 27, 2005

Home Is Where I Shine The Best

Another work day under my belt. I am feeling great these last couple of days. I only worked five and a half hours but I worked up a mighty good sweat. I feel so positively about my new job. I am washing off tables outside on the patio and I can't help but remind myself that this is my new life. I live here. The ocean is four minutes away... less even from where I work. The trees are so diverse from what I am used to. The people here are very friendly and I can't help but smile everywhere that I go. I am mainly talking about Qualicum. Errington where I live, is very spread apart, neighbour wise. The only thing to Errington is a school, gas station and a movie store. That's about it. Home is Parksville/Qualicum/Errington/Coombs. Four towns all wrapped up into one big home for me. Everyone that visits here always comment on how lucky "we" (as in the islanders) are to live here. I don't think I consider myself a true islander until I live here for at least a year. But in my heart, as lame as this may sound I have always belonged here. I feel so much more at home here than I did in Hinton.

Hinton makes me feel uncomfortable. Too many bad memories, many good of course. But I wouldn't go back for anything, not to mention ANYONE as well. I feel like things are finally coming together. I need a few more friends and I will be just set. A vehicle is in need as well, but other than that I am a very content girl.

My spirits are so high and maybe it's because I finally have something to be happy about. Things happen for a reason and I can not stress that enough. No matter how tragic the ordeal was before... or how disappointing the relationship ended... these things really did have to work out this way. In the end, whoever is in charge knows what HE or SHE or WHOEVER is doing. And I know that I could get a bundle of angry comments that do not agree with me. But I know about the shitty stuff and I have lived through some bad things so I feel like I have a right to say how I personally feel. My dad dieing lead to mom and I moving out to the Island. Paul broke up with me because he didn't want to make the commitement and may I mention he broke up with me a little too late.... (HE STILL HAS TO COME AND GET HIS STUFF OUT OF MY HOUSE) Who knows, we would probably still be together living in Hinton if Rudi hadn't passed. Mom would be a lot happier, but her independence wouldn't be well as her back pain would be unbearable like it had been from years before. (Her back strengthened when Rudi was sick because she had to ignore it and deal with Rudi's slow passing..)

I am telling you people things happen for a reason and they help us become strong, empowering individuals.

So here I sit smelling the mouth watering aromas of a home cooked meal and I feel more complete with each day that passes here ... in my home... where I belong.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Life On The Island

As much as I hate to admit it; work is the answer. Living somewhere new is really a different experience. It's tough not knowing people and having to put yourself out there in order to make new friends. But once a job is in the scene, it is a lot easier. My problem before was that I wanted to work where I wouldn't have to deal with any people. But this was the very opposite of what I really need here. I need to work with and around people. Not only did I work with ummm... older people. I mean no offence when I write that.. It's just that I am twenty and I worked with woman that had children older than me, even grand children older than me. So here I am working with people more my own age.

The ladies I have worked with so far are so great. They are all so outgoing and they all seem like a lot of fun. The young lady I worked with today was so helpful and kind to me. She was helping me out by showing me how she likes to do things, to make it easier for me. The other lady who is a bit older was making me do more over in the "special coffee" area. I think we made a latte today. Yuck. Those things are nasty. I didn't realize that a latte' is steamed milk....foam! And just a little bit of very strong shit at the bottom. WOW. No offense to latte' drinkers but man, why? Why not just eat the coffee grounds in a glass of milk.. Haha, I went off on the latte's sorry.

There is a lot for me to learn yet. Yesterday I helped make food, today I did more of working the cash register and breakfast. Eeek. Some people are off in college, going to their orientation tomorrow. I'm worried about how to make breakfast for the majority of senior citizens. Looks like my path is going to be a rough one.. haha. That's depressing. But I'm not going to focus on the negative. If I did that all my life, I'd be a very unhappy person. I try to be as positive as I can.

That's the beauty of moving. I have no expectations... If I'm acting more outgoing, or eating properly, instead of everything in sight... people don't notice. They just assume that that's me. And you know what, it is me. The new, improved Haley. I am trying very hard to do things that take me out of my "comfort zone." People would be surprised what it takes to remove me from my comfort zone. Hmm, singing karaoke is waaay the hell out of my comfort zone...or going for a ride with a young man, I met a few weeks ago on his street bike is very out of my comfort zone. I am trying to be more fun...having more fun. I need to experience 'the life'. Not my life I experienced back in Alberta, but my new and improved FUN FUN FUN life on the island. Island Life I'll call it. Haley's Island Life.

So until further notice....I'll be living the Island Life.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


Today has been a great day! I just got myself a new job in Qualicum Beach. I am now working at Bailey's In the Village. I will be serving 28 flavours of ice cream, along with all kinds of desserts, quiche, home made soup, sandwiches and breakfast. It's the kind of place I am always looking out for. A great lunch spot.

This morning I went and dropped off my resume and met the manager. He told me to return at a later date to have a "chat" and a coffee. Well, it went well. He's so straight forward and lets me know exactly what I am getting myself into. No matter what I am going to give this job a real chance. The pay is satisfactory, less than what I was making at the hotel in Hinton, but I can't have it all. He said he wasn't paying me, but paying my energy and how much of it I have. I have so much energy he's going to be quite surprised. All that is going on in my life, I am just going to give my job one hundred percent. I have nothing else to focus my attention on, so why not!?

I am not sure if people will think that I am insane. But when I am feeling down and out, I shuffle up my "Healing with the Angels, Oracle Cards" and I confide in the spiritual world. As crazy as it sounds, it is extremely comforting. Since my dad died, I feel like I am closer to him when I am shuffeling through the cards. I get direct answers to my problems. Yesterday, I shuffled and I was talking to Rudi in my mind...and I got the "Guardian Angel" card. It let me know that that special someone is always here for me, and has always been and will never leave me. I cried. I was so happy to know that he really is here, watching out for me. Giving the good lord, or whomever a good word for me. It really is a comforting thought knowing that there will be someone waiting for me when I get to wherever it is that I go..

I just feel so positive about this new job. It's like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of my shoulders and I can finally breathe...and even see the bigger picture. It's not going to be that bad of a picture after all. Tomorrow I invited Mom's parents over for a celebration dinner.. FOR ME and my new job!

The job itself is just a job..nothing special. But the idea that I have this new job..means I am truly beginning.... a new life, a new start.

Lately it feels like I'm in a board game. Roll a 6...right when you think you're get THAT card.. Lose a turn and return back to START...

Monday, August 15, 2005

New Horizons Ahead

Well, well, well...

Last night I received a phone call that I happened to miss and I didn't phone this person back. Amazing, yes. Why, I'm not really sure. Maybe I am slowly beginning to get over him. Maybe this is a good thing. It helps me to reinvent myself moreso than I already have. To seek independence, or is it because I will meet someone much more suited to fit the position of loving boyfriend. Who knows... I sure don't know anything yet. I am capable of being .. just being, without a man. I have to believe that I don't need a guy to be happy in life. Yet at the same time, those damn chick flicks come on and every girl no matter how happy they may seem to be, wants a guy.

So I sit here in my chair, looking out at the trees around my home and I think, who is the right one for me? The big question of course is, who is he..but more importantly where is he and when do I get to meet him? Sex and the City is a great tv show, yet at the same time I don't want to be in my late thirties when I meet the right one. I guess that's the trouble with being the youngest child, I always wanted to be older than I am. And I must still want to be older. Twenty is the prime age to be, when all the guys seem to be interested and the head turning feels so good. But, it's really not enough. Yesterday at the beach, I was laying out in my bikini and a group of guys came and sat by me and looked and what not. (I won't get into details because I don't want to seem shallow, but you get the picture.) Yes, it felt great knowing that maybe two out of the six were gorgeous and may have been interested in me. But really it was such an empty feeling leaving and knowing that , "woopee they checked me what?" It felt a hell of a lot better to have a great conversation with another guy that I met about his family and about what we were interested in and what not. I guess what I'm trying to say is... getting checked out all of my life, is an empty life, but meeting that great, one person means so much more.

I don't need a man to get through my life...yet I want the right one to come along eventually. Married people at times I am sure tend to envy the single life of others. Instead I envy those happy faces I see in the newspaper announcing their union. I look at them and I can't wait until I see my face in a local unimportant newspaper, beside the S.P.C.A's Pet of the Month. Call me a romantic, but I think that this is why I am here. I am going to find that special one, and then I am going to create a beautiful, unique family to continue on into this world.

I enjoy so much that I am not sulking over the break up. I am not wallowing in self pity but getting on with my life. Time does not stop, relationships do, jobs end, people die... but the world keeps on living and the time goes on. So why not go on, like time. That's what this test... all the crap that has happened in my life.. is all about. I keep going... I get on with it... I go on like time.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Face It

This is home. The house itself feels homey. Yet everything else does not. Makes sense, everything in the house is ours and part of our life before. The idea that this is just a holiday won't escape me.

I miss being able to phone one of my friends and even organize a get together. It seems that I can't do this yet. I just don't know enough people yet. I have to wait on my cousin Alex, and that's not fair to her. I wait for her call all day, wondering if she has anything interesting to do. Wait until the summer is over, and the visiting slows down. Then what will I do? I miss my friends. Even though I didn't think I would as much. I do. I miss having friends. These simple concepts never hit a person until he is faced without them. I miss him. I hate that I miss him. I wish that I could forget all about him and move on. In a sense, I have. In another, who am I trying to fool? I may be able to fool everyone else, but not myself. No more lieing to myself. I vowed to stop doing that a couple of years ago. I look forward to those nights that Alex asks me to go out and party with her. It's sad really. One night out makes me so happy. As long as I anticipated the evening, that is how quickly it goes by. And now, I wait for more to come...

Someone invited me out today, and like a fool I left it up to Alex to make the plan. I'm not saying she's not good at it. She's wonderful and always includes me. She's the reason why I am not still laying in bed crying about my rescent circumstances. But I should've offered out my number so that maybe I could make my own plan. Then again, I never would've went without Alex. She's so great with people. I am so shy and reserved at times. People must think I'm snobby or something. But really, I am so freaked out about making sure I say something, that I spend half the time evaluating what I should say...and I come off uppety. (I am sure that's not the correct spelling..but what of it..)

So I sit here trying to remember last night and if I made the right impressions to people. I think I came off fun, and a little bit of a lush. The drinks kept coming because I was nervous. Oh well, I had fun. My cousin is going through a break up that isn't going so well. They can't stop seeing each other and phoning, yet when they never ends well. I feel for them and hope that it comes to an end soon for both of their sakes. The nights never end well for them and well.. that's not the way to live. But I went through it too a few years back so I can understand.

Again, things happen for a reason. There's a reason why I am here. A reason why the love of my days and nights abandoned me for his own, seperate life... Why my cousin's relationship held on as long as it has...and is now beginning to fall apart.. Because we've always been as close as sisters, twin sisters even... We're going to be here for each other. That's a comforting thought for me. And I hope a comforting thought for her as well. We're good together and we make each other think of positive things, different outlooks, better days ahead.

In the end, summing up my situation ... things have to be this way. My life wasn't meant to go in the other direction. If that boy that used to be completely in love with me, even came back ... I honestly don't think I'd take him back now at this point. It's been... nearly two weeks since the day he broke it off. Over two weeks since we'd held each other, saying goodbye for what I thought would be a few weeks... I know that us ending happened for a reason and I don't think I'm going to mess with that. It was his decision... a rash decision ... made without me completely.. But, maybe just maybe... it was the right one for the time, for what lies ahead for the both of us.

Ending us makes for bittersweet beginnings...

Friday, August 05, 2005

Catch Up

The Move.

It happened. We moved, mom and I. Wow, I haven't been able to write and there is so much to write about.

The Accident.

Paul and I decided out of nowhere to take his beautiful new, shiny truck to Grand Prairie to visit his family. There was a family reunion and I met his entire family; from a loud great aunt that thought she was Celine Dion herself...which isn't saying much.. from his hippy spirited aunt to his baked, hick cousin. They were wonderful people so welcoming and kind giving hugs and kisses like they were going out of style. The visit was a success. We said our hellos and goodbyes about a few different times. On the road again, and happy as hell to have caught up with the family. Now we were ready for our move. Paul was feeling fufilled with love and attention from his hometown and all that went with it.. I was feeling relieved that he was able to see his family before we set off on our new life together.

Then about thirty minutes out of Hinton, something happened as I put my head down, and we were out of control, skidding into oncoming traffic (which thankfully wasn't there) and into the ditch. For a moment, I thought, maybe we won't roll but just as quickly as the thought entered my mind, we had rolled twice. My face hit his middle console as we thankfully landed on all four tires. We were okay, a little shook up and for the four day old truck, not so lucky. We sat on the side of the road with a couple of angels that had taken charge and phoned 911. The details seem so irrelevant now. In the end, I realised that life is too short. We could've died and I had never felt so closely to Paul as I did at that moment. I knew, I wanted to marry him. With all that we had been through, we could do anything. My insecurities about the move were gone. We were going to be able to do this.

That night we cuddled until the backs of our knees sweat. We were close and in love and ready for the move. Unfortunately I had to make the decision between staying with Paul in Hinton until the truck was ready or written off or whatever he had to do now because of the accident. Or go ahead with mom and help her settle in and unpack. Of course through tears and head ache I decided to go ahead with mom. Our last night in Hinton was at the hotel and we went into the hot tub and relaxed. We went to the hotel and pigged out on junk food like we always did. It was a night for us. And we went to sleep and barely cuddled. Damn it we didn't even cuddle we were so tired.

The End.

The ride to B.C had been hot and I was in the back seat with the drooling, panting pups. I kept order in the back seat, making sure they kept to their beds and didn't cramp my style by making me drool as badly from heat as they were. The first night in Langley Paul called just to hear my voice before he went to bed. Such a sweetie. Then, the first day at the new house I phoned and the next day I phoned again. But after... the phone calls weren't being returned, so I stopped. He phoned and with that call came the end of everything I thought would be.

He ended us. Just like that. "I'm not coming. I can't." That was it. It's over.

So now I sit here wondering what the future holds for me. Why did this have to happen to me? Why now? What is the reason for me living here on my own, without him. Maybe it's because I couldn't imagine doing this without him. Maybe somewhere someone was shaking his head thinking, 'that girl has it coming to her'. Boy did I ever.

We spoke yesterday. I miss him. But he sounds different, almost distracted. I think that's how it will always be from now on. No matter how well we get along after this, every time I phone or he phones me .... he'll sound not all there. Because with him, when we were dating, I was his everything. Now I'm just Haley. I am the one that he used to love..or still loves and got away. The girl he let go. The one that he didn't want to fight for. The one that he couldn't follow.

This hurts. There are many things in this life that hurt. But heartbreak is a big one. It's one that so many people learn from or don't. From each of my break ups, I have learned a life time of lessons. Maybe I 'm lucky. This experience is not something a lot of people live through. I have a lot under my belt. Lots of experience. What's experience without love?

Nahh, I'll find love. Lose the dramatics Haley. Just obviously not now.. I have a small hope in my stomach, in the back of my mind, in the darkest corner of my heart that we will be. If we were meant to be, we'll be. If the universe wants us together, we will get another chance. The timing is off. We still love eachother, maybe my love is a bit stronger, but his love is still there. I can hear it in his voice. His voice isn't empty. Just a bit distracted. I wonder what that distraction is, that is keeping him there and not here.

If we're meant to be, we'll be...

And if we're not .... shit.